A letter to my Son

Dearest Son,

On your first birthday, it’s a privilege to share our journey together so far and tell you how much you have undeniably changed our lives forever. You will always be most the precious part of me, my Summer Moon and infinite light. Happy Birthday little lion!

You have only been here with us for 12 short months but the moment we knew you were going to make your way to us we couldn’t have been happier, as you were always meant to be a part of this family. I spent 9 months carrying you, nurturing you and loving you more than you could ever imagine. We spent time playing games, listening to music and talking to each other daily over and across the bump. Those 9 months were incredibly precious to me, spent nervously waiting for your arrival. Daydreaming who you would look like, what adventures we would go on together and how much I would adore you. True to your extremely impatient nature you decided to arrive quite early and give everyone a huge surprise.

Your transition into this world wasn’t an easy one, and after trying to deliver you naturally the decision was made to move us into the theatre room. Scared and worried for you we didn’t know what was going to happen. All we knew is that there and then in that second you were the most important thing in this entire universe, and we wanted you to arrive safely, engulfed in love. When you did arrive you were passed to me, this tiny purple being with a squashed nose and spindly limbs. There you were, 5.8 lbs of gorgeousness. You were beautiful beyond belief (once cleaned up), how we managed to create something as gorgeous as you I’ll never know. It was an instant bond between us and our first proper cuddle, you opened your eyes and your tiny little fingers clasped mine and I said to you “Hello you, I’m your Mummy. I love you very much”. After endless amounts of cuddles, you were healthy and happy enough to take home and from thereon life as 3 began.

The months that came after were filled with huge adjustments not just for you but for Daddy and me too. You didn’t want to sleep anywhere unless it was with us. You co-slept in our bed until you were 6 months. In that time neither Daddy or I slept under a duvet. We were constantly falling out of bed so that you and your sleepy head could fit in with us. You suffered from horrendous Colic, the screaming, the sleepless nights, the endless feeding it was really tough for all of us. But the love for you overshone everything and you always came first, as you still do to this day. Some days for me were really quite bad when things got too much and I would be sat in tears on the floor sobbing, I didn’t feel like I was a good enough Mother for you and that my best wasn’t good enough. I had no idea what I was doing and despite how everyone else was parenting, I was still doing things my way and that made me feel hopeless. But as Daddy always pointed out, no matter how I was feeling you were always happy, healthy and content, so I must have been doing something right for you. And his view was very true, I just couldn’t see past the tiredness and anxiety that I was and will always be the perfect Mummy for you.

We made every event special for you, Halloween, Fireworks, Christmas, your first holiday. Even though you won’t remember these you’ll always have the memories that we made and documented to look back on. Over your first year, you went to baby sensory and sing and sign lessons. You are taken out and about almost every day to do fun things and enjoy life. You made lots of friends and will forever be known as Tex Mex in our special group. Oh the cuddles, I couldn’t even attempt to count the hours we spent snuggled up together. The hours of staring at each other and just being completely inseparable. There were days when we didn’t even get out of our pj’s and leave the house, it was nice to spend time together away from the outside world, just having fun. I’ve watched you grow every month from a teeny, tiny loving soul into a very clever, cheeky, mischievous boy. What’s most beautiful is the relationship I’ve seen you build with Daddy. Non-stop laughter and games every day. The way that you stare at him when you think he’s not looking and the way you rest on him when you get sleepy is priceless. He comes home every night after a long day to bath you and put you to bed without fail. It’s incredibly special how much you are loved by him and he is by you. I hope that you are always this close with your Daddy, it’s not always easy to find a love that is so strong.

The most amazing thing about this year has been my transformation due to you. You teach me new skills almost every day. As Daddy will tell you, before you came along I was probably the most impatient person he knew. I’m learning to be patient as you learn new skills and find your place in the world. I’m fierce without reservation when it comes to you, as I will always protect you no matter what that means. I love and feel so much because you are the most precious being that is in my life. I am more forgiving of myself, I know that doing my best may not always seem perfect but it is my best and that is more than enough. I want to learn more about the world and what it has to offer so that I can pass that on to you. I know that one day you will leave our nest and I want to make sure that we do everything we can as a family to give you the most amazing childhood and memories that you will carry with you for the rest of your life. We are so incredibly proud of the boy you are becoming, we are proud of ourselves for helping to shape you into that boy. You are always surprising us with your inquisitive behaviour and sense of adventure, never lose that. Never lose that hilarious laugh or cheeky smile, it’s part of who you are and the parts of you we love so much.

Thank you for being a part of this family and for making our lives richer every day in so many, many ways.

Mummy x

 

 

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