It’s the second of January and all traces of Christmas and NYE have vanished and already I can hear that voice creeping in as I put my comfy, baggy jeans on…”OMG, they’ve turned in to Skinny jeans, noooo” The guilt of overindulging on the Christmas goodies and guzzling too much wine hits home. Self-loathing and negative talk are here once again. I didn’t even make a full two days before the spirit of the blitz died out, the new year motivation has officially left the building. The insecurity seeps in and as Simon & Garfunkel once sang (probably not to their own reflection) plays in my head, “hello darkness my old friend”. I am absolutely positive that I am not the only person thinking and feeling like this so early on in the year, it’s just such a sinking feeling that we are here once again so soon.
As I looked in the mirror at that familiar pasty blubber mushrooming over the side of my jeans, I welled up and started to cry. Why do I never learn, why can’t I treat my body like a temple? Do I have no respect or willpower for myself at all? Why am I such a failure and disappointment, urgh!!!! Then it hit me, actually, I’ve not eaten properly for the past 6 months because I’ve had a baby. It’s like that scene from Sex and the City where Miranda is in Atlantic City with the girls and she gets called a fat ass. She has a fat ass because she’s had a baby, it’s the same concept. I’ve pretty much stopped eating, barely slept and rarely moved to get out of my PJ’s. Of course, you’re going to gain weight going from scarcely eating anything at all to overindulging and taking advantage of having two hands again. And why the hell not after all those coffees and leftovers knowingly going cold whilst you yield to your young infant’s whims. Yes, I had consumed more chocolate and wine then medically recommend but I had earned that right. Don’t get me wrong I don’t condone unhealthy binge eating but there’s a time and a place to enjoy simple pleasures without judgment and Christmas for me personally was that time.
After some careful thought on this subject, it got me thinking about my Son. If he was listening to me saying the above, what would he actually be hearing? Do I want him to hear me speak so derogatory of myself? What message am I telling him when associating negative self-image to size? What impact is this having his own self-image, or equally questionable will he judge others on their sizes because that’s what he has been bought up to believe? Everything he is taking in and learning right now is the blueprint and building blocks for his outlook on life, so is now the time to change that self-negative voice? Yes, I need to change it for myself without a shadow of a doubt but for him, this must be changed as well. Instead of showing him the negative conditioning that my generation was subjected to via media outlets to buy products and be forced to feel unworthy of ourselves, we need to teach our children to accept, care and love everyone and themselves regardless of cloth sizes and curves. What an amazing generation we would be bringing forwards into this world without that level of judgment. The opportunities for greatness and success in their world would be endless with so much love and acceptance.
I’m such a huge believer in being kind to ourselves and loving who we are that I was kind of disappointed with myself to take such a step back. So I started to think about what this minx @bodyposipanda would say because I’m completely obsessed with her and her amazing messaging. She is so on point and genuinely loving and caring. If you have not checked her out, please, please, please do. She is such a beautiful inspiration and teaches that no matter what size we are, we need to embrace who we are inwardly as well as our clothes size outwardly. Every curve we wear is as beautiful as our souls, isn’t that something? Being body positive no matter what size is quite a new concept, shockingly. She is just so pro happiness and anti judgment, to me, that is what life should be about. Before we can change what we are on the outside it needs to start on the inside and that goal you are trying to achieve on the outside needs to match that on the inside. The moral of the story is BE HAPPY with who you are inwardly and the rest will fall in to place. That’s a story I am more than happy to share with my Son.
So my contribution not only to myself but for my Son is to be body positive. If we are feeling less than inferior let’s not look at the negative jeans, let’s look at the colourful top, the beautiful eye make up. Let’s look at and celebrate the features that we do and must love the most. Shouldn’t we be showing our children that being positive is far more rewarding than being negative? Next time I feel like crying over something that doesn’t feel so great, I’ll grab my favourite top and lipstick and focus on how good these things make me feel so that my Son can look up and smile at how beautiful his Mummy is.