That’s right, my arse has gotten pretty much kicked around and beaten this year. 2018 has been filled with a lot of things from anxiety to agoraphobia. Imposter syndrome, failing to get on the property ladder. And sadly a miscarriage which turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy with the need to remove my right Fallopian Tube. It’s been a tough year to say the least and there have been plenty of tears shed. But I don’t want to be a woe me type of person. Life is hard enough without pouring added guilt and shame on to myself. There’s always going to be situations and things that don’t seem fair or what we may have not planned. But that’s life, it works in ways that we don’t always understand or know what the outcome is going to be. Maybe looking at life’s disappointments as guidance and lessons could teach us more about ourselves as individuals than we realise.
After a few months of my failing self-care peppy attitude and imposter syndrome from trying to launch a business that just wasn’t happening, I was really beating myself up. Beating myself up for all my failures, for not spending enough time doing all the mummy things that I should be doing. Not Going out and doing fun activities everyday, like all the other mummies were that I’d watch from the insta side lines of an evening. Beating myself up for having that extra glass of wine instead of going swimming in the evenings. Beating myself up for the bad business choices I was knowingly making. Not being able to invest time in my my venture because I couldn’t concentrate or find the time after a full day mumming. The housework and washing piling up that no one was going to touch but me. Beating myself up for not being able to keep it all together, whatever that even means. EVERYTHING was becoming such a burden and overwhelming. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been sick again this year, it’s not nursery bugs it’s just run down, burnt out, undervalued and very basic self-care needs being met. Like so many parents out there who just get on with it because there are no other options. Being someone that prides herself on self-care and how important mental health is, I sure wasn’t practising what I preached. And that made me really sad, I didn’t want to be going around in the same circle the next year. I also certainly don’t want to be a hypocrite either! But most of all I didn’t want to keep hating on myself because I couldn’t meet the needs of some very unrealistic expectations I had set for myself.
So I made a list, a list of things that I had been doing that was amazing and deserved to be celebrated and shouted from these Sussex rooftops. Shock, horror, amazement, it was 90% of what I was beating myself up for. How amazing is it to be able to be a full time mother with no help and have a child who is so ridiculously happy most days. How brilliant that I was able to think of and create a business that is to help support women through every stage of Motherhood! Plus keep a nice house, go out and do the shopping. Try and get to as many play dates as I could and make sure my husband has a nice meal to come home to after a hard days work. I know it’s not the 1950’s but I love cooking for him, it fills me with joy so definitely not something that’s “expected”. I was actually doing an amazing job with my adult life. I just wasn’t appreciating it or listening to my inner guidance. Understanding that you can do everything just not all at the same time was such a key find for me.
I have an inner guidance that wants me to do all these amazing things. There’s a want to be successful working for myself, giving back to communities whilst being at home with the family. And I 100% want another baby. But just not all right now, this very second! I’ve had to sit down and really listen to what I want and how to get there based on what hasn’t worked for me this year and what my body is telling me. All of these things are so huge they deserve a dedicated amount of time and focus. Not just a few minutes here and there when I’m already fried from the day to day norm. I’ve learnt such a huge amount about how far I can mentally and emotionally push myself without burn out. What boundaries I need to put in place to protect my welfare, both in the real and digital world. When and how I need extra help with childcare and the business, and not being afraid or embarrassed to ask for that. I’ve learnt how incredibly strong I am as an individual to turn life’s negatives in to lessons so I can move towards the life I truly want. Every downfall has a lesson to guide you to the path that feels most aligned to you, whatever your preferences.
Without stumbling on hard times or less than desirable outcomes you can’t always find what you want. Maybe it’s once you know what you don’t want, leads you to know what you do want. I don’t think there’s any shame when things feel like they aren’t working out because in fact maybe they are. On some level maybe it’s the way your journey has to go? If it’s something you really want, would you work harder to find a way to make it possible? Maybe if we come across dead ends, perhaps they are meant to be that way. What I do know for sure is that nothing lasts forever and change is constant. You can always start again, you can always find a better way and you can always trust your own guidance.
Thank you 2018, thank you for kicking my booty so hard that I now have what feels like a bloody solid plan for 2019! Thank you for breaking me down so that I could build myself up and truly believe in my abilities. Thank you for putting me into situations where I’ve been forced to ask for the help I felt too embarrassed to ask for previously. Thank you for really pushing my limits to make me see how important boundaries are for me, so that I can protect myself and those around me. Thank you for teaching me how strong I am. That’s going to be a wrap from me until the new year! I want to wish you all a very merry Christmas and happy new year. Keep safe and tell the ones you love just how much you do.